"Rehab"

I don't know how Yvette does it. I don't know how she takes so many broken dogs in and brings them back from the brink. Not only the vet bills, --money is there or it isn't--, but truly broken spirits, souls, dogs. I understand it needs to be done, and today I'm even more grateful than usual. Grateful because I think I'm one small step closer to knowing how things really are. TG is a safe haven, a rehab, a godsend to so many dogs, but just because you're safe, doesn't mean you're not broken. It's called rehab for a reason. And it doesn't happen quickly. A lot are very messed up...

Today I'm having a hard day. Although I've very slowly been trying to bring Allie out of her shell, it is seemingly always a case of one step forward, two or three steps back. I see little in the way of 'progress'. Granted, I think I'm being much too hard on myself. It hasn't even been a week yet. And my frustration most certainly is not helping the problem(s). I don't want her to be 'normal' -she's a long way from that-, but I don't want her to feel she needs to hide.

I took away her crate, and she found a corner. I took away her corner and she moved in behind the TV. I fill that gap and she shoves herself in the smallest nook possible. The further I push her out into the open, the more skittish she's becoming. So, although maybe I've given up too fast, I've gone back to an open crate. At least with the crate she doesn't mind me -most of the time anyway- grabbing her leash to take her outside for a pee. And she sneaks out for socialization with the dogs here and there. She has another blanket she likes to lay on. Sometimes she pokes her head out and just looks at me. I don't know if she's asking me what I'm up to, or just reassuring me she knows I'm watching her and she in no way wants any part.

I try to hang out in the same general area as her, and she shoves herself as far as possible from me. I went to hang out with her in the laundry room -she likes to sit by the dryer when its running-, but instead of giving up her nice warm place and running a few feet away like she usually does, she starts pacing back and forth in front of the dryer growling and barking. I sat on the stairs for almost 20 minutes with my back to her and when she stopped barking and settled a bit I left. She was frustrated, I was wearing thin myself (the barking REALLY gets to me, I have to be honest when I say I almost had a freak out myself) and we really weren't getting anywhere. At the same time, I can't let signs of fear-aggression win out. I don't need her to trust me right away, but I do need her to understand that growling and barking isn't making me move. Her calmness is. When she is stable, I'll leave her be. Even if we get to the point where my prescence doesn't threaten her in most non-touching situations, we'll be making progress. On a brighter note, most of the time I ignore her, she's just fine. When I come home, she's at the gate with a wagging tail -when I get about 2 feet from her, she's back in her crate or far, far away, but she does seem glad to see me from a distance.

But how do I compromise the 'now' happy with the overall happiness. She shouldn't have to live almost all of her inside life inside a crate :(. She shouldn't have to live afraid of what's going to happen if she has to make contact with people. I'm back to my watching stage. I'm watching to see if she uses her crate as her safe space to sleep -if she's uncomfortable sleeping out in the open- or if she's only using it as an escape. Or most likely both. I'm watching from afar to research what makes her tick. But for all the research, for all the watching, I don't know if I'll ever have enough information to truly move forward. It's difficult admitting to yourself you don't know what to do. Or, you don't know what to do that isn't going to backfire. I have a lot of possibilities, but its very easy to screw them up.

On a more positive note outside she's a bit different. Although she isn't a huge fan of the leash, once she's out of the house she likes to be taken on her little walks around the property. She likes to watch the chickens, sniff all the different grasses, and a lot of the time has a happy disposition about being outside with people -providing they aren't TOO close. I even get a wagging tail when we're heading out the door into the yard. Once I get a harness for her -there is NO WAY I'd be able to wrangle her back up if she somehow slipped her collar- I will be walking her, Beckett and Lemon as a pack where there are more distractions than chickens. Although the foster boys are fine, I don't need to deal with potential other issues when I'm out walking Allie. I need to focus on her, I need to watch her limits, try to understand what makes her happy, what makes her afraid. I need Lemon and Beckett to do what they do best. Be social. Give her confidence, guidance. Stick close and not need constant supervision. This is their work, and I know they won't fail me. I'm not so sure if I won't fail myself.

Allie might be with me a long time. She will need her own special person that doesn't mind having a dog who doesn't want much to do with their person. A person that is okay if Allie never makes a lick of 'progress' outside enjoying her walks and spending her day voluntarily in her crate. A person who is ultra patient, realistic, down-to-earth and committed. She's not a dog for first-time dog owners and she's definitely not a dog that will fit in with ease. What she needs is a person with time. It is hard for me to be that person. I'm a pusher, but I'm pushing too far and too fast. And I don't know how to go much slower except to let time seep in. For now, we're going back to what keeps her, at least for an hour or two a day, feeling secure. Two half-hour walks around the property, a few pee-breaks, access to explore the house, and no expectations that she be social.

Today I am wondering if I made the right choice saving Allie. If there wasn't someone with better quality of life (not to be read as more adoptable). If, if, if. For now, I do what is sometimes hardest for me to do. I watch, and I wait. And most importantly, I keep hope that I am able to help her. I might not be rehab, but I'm the best she has.